Facing some of my biggest fears at a Retreat in Spain

In a little under a month I’m off to Spain…again!

You would think because I’ve made the trip before it would be simple, easy….. it’s not exactly though.

….it still terrifies the crap out of me and if I am brutally honest!

I’m off to the same retreats Vanya Silverten ran back in 2023, except this time I have the honour and privilege of being one of her teachers' aids.

When I left that space in 2023 it didn’t feel like I said goodbye, it felt energetically that I wasn’t yet finished here. Yes the work, transformations and awakenings were still fresh and integrating. But I felt a part of me wasn’t ready to leave yet. To go back to the daily life, the daily grind of being a mum, the hustle of society.

You see I had no clue what I was going into when I first jumped on that plane back in 2023….no idea what I expected it to be like. I found it quite triggering if I’m honest. Not just the jetting off to the other side of the world, with 36 hours of travel from Australia and being away from my kids for the first time. Let alone having traveled alone as a woman to the opposite side of the world. All my wounds were fully exposed and it felt like everyone had their fingers in them…poking them. 

You see I was still feeling the rawness of being a mum to a 3 and 6 year old. The rawness of 2 traumatic childbirths. The crippling anxiety of being away from my family post covid when that was such a large source of so much of my anxiety and PTS. Then throw being in a gorgeous retreat space with a bunch of women I didn’t know and BOOM …. I was ready to run!

I didn’t though. 

I rode the waves of discomfort. 

I chose to show up for myself

I asked Vanya for support, I told her on day two I was already so triggered I didn’t want to show up to classes. I shared with other women how I was feeling and you know what….they all supported me. Every single one of them. I had never felt so helpd and supported by a group of women in my life!

There wasn’t any nasty backstabbing or bitching, no catty whispers behind one another’s back.

Just support.

It was a sisterhood.

The first sisterhood I’ve ever experienced!

I realised I was so triggered by being around so many women in this beautiful space that my nervous system didn’t know how to relax at first. But slowly, piece by piece, class by class I came back to my body. I allowed more of my soul to exist inside me. I allowed my desires to be felt, heard and expressed. I allowed things to be felt that I had surpassed for years and this is where the true healing power lies. In feeling and allowing the discomfort so you can grow through it, to grow from it, to understand it, learn from it and heal it.

I realised I never felt safe or supported by women. In high school they were catty and bullied me. Women in my family were often no different. Causing drama and speaking ill of one another behind each others backs. My guard was always up, unsure if someone was speaking the truth to me or not. I spent all my time pleasing people, in fawn mode, trying not to upset anyone, to not step on their toes or risk someone speaking something nasty and untrue about me…or worse.

Here in this space at retreat I learnt to trust women. To allow myself to feel held. Loved, natured. Inspired. Heard. To allow myself to feel safe in my nervous system to feel safe in this space, with these women. Forming lasting deep connections and friendships.

This is the community I want others to feel with sacred soul tribe.

So I’m returning to Spain to go deeper. To learn from the master herself how to create and conduct these beautiful retreats. 

Feminine energetics are so important in the embodiment healing process. More than I ever realised. Allowing our soft, intuitive nature to flow freely. Honouring our cycles of rest and growth. Opposed to always pushing, showing up, shielding and protecting myself to the point of burnout, inaction, and closing myself off not only from the world but also from myself and all the discomfort I felt inside.

So this July, 2025, amongst the craziness the world is serving up right now I’m facing my fears again. I’m getting on a plane and traveling solo to Spain, on the opposite side of the world. 

Why?

All so I can become a better, stronger, more intelligent teacher for you beautiful souls.